Author: Parsley Adams – Editor-in-Chief
A table of five have collectively suffered a series of severe anxiety attacks, after their waiter took the family’s numerous and complex orders without writing them down.
It seemed to the Ham family that their lunch was going to be as it was expected – carefree – however tensions rose as charismatic sicilian waiter, Gustav Cuervo, stood nodding while the table ordered, rather than jotting anything down.
“At first I thought he was just joking – we soon realised that the bastard was playing a sick game with us all” said frequent bill payer and father of two, Scott Ham.
“I mean there was 5 of us for christ’s sake, we each ordered drinks, mains and desserts, by the time we’d finished, we all felt like we were going to vomit right then and there”.
87 year old Grandmother, Margaret Ham, began to hyperventilate severely after ordering a decaf, ¾ full, flat white made on almond milk, fearful that despite his bravado, Gustav was ultimately going to let her down.
“In all my years I’ve never seen such ‘shoot from the hip’ service, my heart nearly gave out when we got to the desserts and he still hadn’t written anything down” Margaret said.
“That bloody olive oil bandit displayed nothing but blatant disregard for my family’s well being, even having the gall to wink as he assured everyone he was ‘practically rain man’ and pranced back into the kitchen,” she added.
When approached for comment, Gustav had this to say, “I like to think of myself as a hospo magician, taking my customers on an an emotional journey of apprehension, fear, joy and most importantly: amazement”.
Despite the Ham family having received everything that they ordered, no tip was left as the Ham’s hurried from the cafe, “broken and battered” from the experience.