Satan Confirms Hellish New Method Of Punishing Of Damned Souls

"I'm actually feeling kind of bad"

Beelzebub, the burned one and purveyor of lost souls has today confirmed that he is making the most putrid of his eternal guests sit through Masterchef Australia Season 9 – his most hellish endeavour yet.

“I’m actually feeling kind of bad – one guy [Gary, Bricklayer (42)] tried to kill himself as soon as the opening credits started” cackled Satan, stroking his goatee gleefully.

“He, of course, is already dead and failed miserably – you should have seen his face when they did that bullshit mystery box thing, I nearly promoted him to demon status he was that bloody stroppy!”

“Actually you know what, fuck it, gazza is a top bloke – can somebody get Gary a pitchfork??!” boomed the dark one, lighting a dart with the flame at the end of his tail.

“I mean I’ve done some pretty horrible shit in my time as the prince of darkness….but I think this takes the cake,” he continued, smoke and flame billowing from his nose.

We then asked if Satan had watched any of last night’s episode.

“Are you fucking kidding me? No way. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a pretty strong stomach. I’ve flayed, ripped and torn people apart for thousands of years now but the mere sight of Gary’s receding hairline, George’s greasy mug and Matt Preston just in general, is too much.”

More to follow.

(Author: Parsley Adams – Editor-in-Chief.) 

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