Author: Parsley Adams – Editor-in-Chief
A breaking study conducted by the crack analytics team at The Shallot has revealed that unstoppable sexual energy begins and ends with a hands on cocktail training session, and that bar staff are 100% more likely to go at it after learning how to make the perfect Mojito.
According to the report, pretty much all workplace flings are started as a result of sultry cocktail learning masterclasses, usually hosted by a resident bar manager or alcohol rep.
“It’s a sexual cauldron” said local bartender, Claire Bosca.
“As soon as they start gyrating and shaking those boozy, semi-phallic shaped receptacles, I buckle at the knees” she added in between frantic pants.
“If I can’t get my paws on the trainer, I just go for the glassie – easy target”.
We caught up with Melbourne Bartender extraordinaire and wine baron, Ollie Shargan, to see if he had any insight:
“What can I say, chicks dig what I have to offer” he said, eyebrows bouncing.
“Within the first shake I know that every lass in the room is mine” he added, oozing with palpable sexuality and bravado.
Shargan paused momentarily to garnish an espresso martini like Salt Bae and wink at our first female reporter, Sage Jones (welcome to the team Sage).
“Never fear ladies – there’s enough of this full bodied, red blooded hunk of man flesh to go around”.
In another shocking turn of events, 100% of all male bartenders surveyed said that that a ‘chick’ teaching them how to whip up a ‘spot on’ Whisky Sour was “pretty fucking sexy” and claimed that they could hear wedding bells by the time the cherry was plonked into the crystal glass.
Part 2 of this incredible uncovering will be revealed soon.