Author: Parsley Adams – Editor-in-Chief.
The Shallot would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone of Santa’s nut allergy. Mr Claus is allergic to all types of nuts – including peanut, macadamia, cashew and Pauline Hanson – and will froth and writhe around in your living room should you forget to accommodate his needs – and probably shit himself too.
Last year, renowned idiot, “Daggy Maggie” Beer, baked her infamous Marmalade and Macadamia cookies for Mr Claus. After abseiling down and taking a dump in her fireplace, Sir Claus went for a cookie not realising the Grand High Witch of the food industry had baked the biscuits with hate, rather than love.
Soon after munching, he began to foam at the mouth and urinate blood, fluids Saggy Beer collected and later used to baste her Christmas ham.
Santa barely escaped with his life, and is pressing charges against the Saddam Husain of of cooking.
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