A recent study conducted by the respected CSIRO has deduced that over 85% Of the nations pilot lights are ‘lit as fuck’ as we speak.
“It was a real surprise, to be honest,” Jeff Cousins, a representative of the CSIRO stated, “I think it’s perhaps a coping mechanism to counteract a stressful environment, which includes, but is not limited to; angry Chefs, shabby apprentices and waitstaff taking their sweet fucking time to scrape a godamn plate.”
We attempted to reach a local pilot light for comment, however, it was far too inebriated to be quoted accurately.
More to come.
Author: Herbert ‘Herb’ Greengate – Editor-at-Large.