Author: Herbert ‘Herb’ Greengate – Editor-at-Large.
Sources from inside the Channel 9 headquarters have leaked the title of their newest show, ‘The Fisherman Wants A Wife: Fish Out Of Water’ – a much needed answer to highly successful and competing shows on other networks, such as The Bachelor, My Kitchen Rules and Masterchef.
The Shallot have reason to believe that the prostitute-loving, fish-pashing, reef-dwelling, salty casanova himself, Rex Hunt, has been lured in to host the program – however we could not reach him for comment, due to his strenuous fly fishing commitments.
We did however, speak with the peachy-keen bachelor himself, John West (31), for some insight on how he feels on the upcoming program:
“I am positively reeling with excitement,” he said in between deep, satisfying sips of XXXX Gold.
“I’m looking forward to finding a quality sheila to hold late at night and share a nice cod with, whilst sprawled out next to a sultry kerosene lamp,” he added.
John paused momentarily to wrangle a salmon onto the boat with his bare hands. After bashing it a few times on the deck and crying “Yahoo!”, he cracked another tinny of Queensland sludge, settled down onto his esky and had this to say, “I don’t know who the host is yet but I hope he’s better than that Andrew G muppet”.
Love may be the air, but this program promises hardship at every turn, with female contestants being put through a rigorous screening process to better ensure that they are not the fish that John West rejects.
The prerequisites are as follows:
- Able to clean, gut and scale fish
- High tolerance for rum
- Free of scurvy
- Able to tell a seafaring tale – with gusto
- Must enjoy Pirates Of The Caribbean Parts 1-4, Jaws & Finding Nemo
- Drinks XXXX Gold
- Doesn’t mind spending weekends completely alone
- Thinks boats are “pretty cool”
- Believes in the Kraken.
This groundbreaking new show will air on the 21st of February, 2017, and we here at The Shallot believe that Channel 9 have really hit the tuna on the head with this one.
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