Author: Herbert ‘Herb’ Greengate – Editor-at-Large.
Shock radiates through offices and suburban homes today as the man synonymous with summer, the beach, suburbia and your creepy uncle (Mister Whippy), has come forth and admitted his lactose intolerance.
The pink-van-driving-frozen-dairy-delight-slinger has been hiding his awful secret beneath a strong public profile. Many children saw him as an iron stomached crusader, a soft cone hero and flake philanthropist – an image that now lies in tatters. We sat down with Mister Whippy, or, as many of his friends and family call him, Jeff.
“I found out about 15 years ago, but by then the image had already been established and it was far too late to start offering only non-dairy sorbets!” Jeff Whippy moaned “I just hope that the Australian public can forgive my affliction, as well as my legacy of lies”.
Jeff is attempting to make reparations for his wrong-doings, and has swapped his iconic siren song with a constant loop of “I’m Sorry Australia”.
While there are no plans of replacing his dairy delights with an inferior soy or almond based product, some of Mister Whippy’s competitors have used this time to twist the knife.
“The blokes a fraud – I wouldn’t trust a man who can’t eat dairy around my children,” Home Ice Cream franchisee, Gary Stent, slurped between gobbles of KoolStix.
“He’s done, that creepy fucking music will never be heard on Australian streets again,”.
“This country belong to ME!” he added.
Although he is being pegged by his competitors online, Jeff Whippy is hanging in there and insists it’s not as bad as it seems:
“I can still eat some hard cheeses…” he mumbled “In moderation.”
Image Source: Rockhampton Morning Bulletin