Mike Baird To Introduce Lock-Out Laws On Brunch

“If it’s past 11.30, it’s lunch goddammit”

Author: Herbert ‘Herb’ Greengate Editor-at-Large.

Just when you thought laws in the city of Sydney couldn’t get any tighter, Mike Baird goes ahead and wages war on one of the CBD’s favourite weekend pastimes: Brunch.

The combination meal of not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, is something we all enjoy after a big Saturday night of going to bed early because nothing’s open after 1:30am in this nanny state.

The liberal eagle, Mike Baird, is planning to introduce lock-out laws for any establishments in the inner-city looking to serve  brunch items after 11:30am. For most of us that means no more Bloody Marys, no more Bellinis, no more salmon bagels or pastries – and you can bet your ass that it means no avocado on toast.

“For too long have I seen these ‘yuppies’ eating their ham and cheese croissants and having a good time in MY city,”  stated the solemn Mike Baird while hoofing down what he called ‘A proper meal at a proper time’ at The Star’s lunchtime haunt, Sokyo.

“If it’s past 11.30, it’s lunch goddammit” he exclaimed, his gob full of Wagyu Scotch Fillet.

The laws will be introduced in the next month and will encompass all inner city areas ending at Star City and Barangaroo. The laws will not apply in the inner west and many residents are dreading the fallout of Brunch Bandits swarming into their area.

“I don’t want any fresh pressed apple and vodka drinking, avocado and cured salmon supporting, rule breakers in my town!” shouted Camperdown resident and strict meal time abider, Brent Cobble.

“In my day, we had vegemite on toast at 9.00am, a Ham sanga at 12:30pm and good healthy dose of Dads belt for dinner,” he added.

Others say the laws are ridiculous, following on from the flop that was the initial Bar and Club lockouts, a notable advocate for brunch, Keep Sydney Open boy-toy, Flume, who had this to say, “Bairds a mongrel, he can’t keep this up, if he does we will feed him to all those greyhounds he keeps allowing to jog around”

Star casino are looking to capitalise on the changes with the introduction of ‘Bruncheon’ a new eatery in the venue, with My Kitchen Rules’s Colin Fassnidge to be the face.

“I jumped at the chance!” the river dancing Chef exclaimed “Finally a place where we can control who comes in and what they’ll get, none of this English Muffin shite, it’ll be Irish Muffins all-round!”

Baird has said that he has not got anything to do with the exclusivity of the restaurant, stating that he in no way would benefit and has had no dealings with the exclusion zones, “All just pot-luck I guess” he grinned as he reached into a paper bag to pay his bill.

“It’s on us, Sir” the waiter rebutted, sweating with nervousness at Baird’s general aura of business savvy and political suave.

This new law will be subject to a trial period and is not guaranteed to be a long term thing, but we at The Shallot are guessing it will go down like a Bloody Mary with too much Tabasco.

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