Local Cannibal Enjoys Mary’s Burger Despite Lack of Human Flesh

“They’re just that good”.

Author: Parsley Adams – Editor-in-Chief

A local Sydney cannibal has published a glowing review online after dining at the newtown burger haven, Mary’s Burgers – despite their decision to serve animal meat rather than human flesh.

“It’s honestly the best meat I’ve ever tasted” said Darius Bogart, Cannibal and budding Social Media entrepreneur.

“…that couldn’t speak and pay taxes beforehand!” he quickly added, amongst bouts of uncontrollable and frankly terrifying laughter.

Co-owner of Mary’s Burgers, Jacob Smyth had this to say on the matter, “We cater to all types here: vegans, liberal voters, cannibals – you name it, they’re welcome”.

“We even served Mike Baird once!” he added excitedly.

However despite Darius’s positive Newtown foodie experience, he remains resolute in his decision to continue eating people.

“Look, the burgers are amazing, but nothing compares to the raging erection I get when I snuff out a human life and feast on their limp body”.

“But if you pressed me, I’d say I’ll definitely be back to try their fried chicken burger – it was the envy of every diner in the room!” he said with a profound sense about him.

We couldn’t agree more Darius.

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