Author: Parsely Adams, Editor-in-Chief.
A local insomniac is looking forward to his once-a-year nap, anticipating at least 3-4 hours of blissful and uninterrupted sleep.
Jim Jones, 32, has struggled with insomnia his whole life “I can’t keep girlfriends, hold down jobs, or even jerk myself off to completion”.
“It’s a fucking nightmare – I assume,” he added, seeming hesitant to use the word due to never being asleep long enough to have one.
“But after three plates of turkey, salad, prawns, and a few probing questions from my extended family, I’m like prime bloody possum,” he added, excited for his annual sleep.
However, there is hope: Newcastle sleep scientist, Roberta King-Hit, has been breaking new ground in her field, with her research showing proven links between “fuckin’ top notch naps” and the after effects Christmas lunch.
“Something about delicious ham, copious amounts of alcohol and being berated by relatives about your life choices, results in the perfect snooze” said Newcastle Sleep Scientist, Roberta King-Hit.
“It is my dream to one day give everyone the gift of a good nights “thank fuck that’s over, God I’m full” sleep.
More to come.
> Follow The Shallot on Instagram for more pressing news blasts <