Bloke Absolutely Dreading Calling Last Drinks

I try to leave it as late as possible

Simon Finch (27), part time bartender and glassie, is 100% dreading having to call last drinks tonight.

“I feel sick” he said, lips trembling as he pulled a tall, delicious pint of 4 Pines Amber Ale.

“I try to leave it as late as possible and yet they still boo and hiss and call me a faggot. I am at a complete loss as to what I can do at this point.”

Studies show that almost all Australians become wildly enraged when they are told that they can no longer drink in a particular building and will have to go and drink inside of another building instead.

We spoke with Sydney bartender, Sanjeev Banama, who had quite the story to tell:

“Well one time we had a pretty rowdy bunch of footy players in the pub – they had won their grand final you see and so pretty much every swinging dick in the room was keen to suck down a few Carlton’s and get on the ‘pingaz brus’.”

“I think they were from Newcastle,” he added.

“Anyway I gently reminded them at 11.59pm that it was last drinks and they just lost it. By the time the bouncers finally wrangled them out of the pub it was about 12.30am – alas they were all waiting for me in the carpark – they pounced and started beating the living piss out of me ‘just tell us when ya want your last punch ya fucking glorified glassie – up the Knights!!!” they bellowed.

“In between punches I could hear them shouting ‘Matthew Johns is a fucking hero’ and ‘You kicked me out right when ‘Tomorrow’ started playing on the jukebox, so now I’m gonna kick you, you fucking bastard – Daniel Johns for Mayor!’.

“It was horrible, they were on more steroids than Jarrod Mullen” he continued shakily.

“They all smelt like shipping containers and were weirdly homo-erotic when it came to ‘their boy Crakanthorp’.

“One of the blokes even came in his own pants as he yelled ‘release the Crakanthorp’ and slugged me in the neck,”

“What the fuck is a Crakanthorp??”

The Shallot will continue to bring you the stories that matter in a timely and factual fashion.

More to follow.

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