Author: Parsley Adam’s – Editor-in-Chief.
This great country of biscuits and crackers has been rocked by the sudden death of “Pete” the parrot, known widely for his role as the Arnott’s mascot and logo figurehead – and less so for being the inspiration behind Dumbledore’s pet “Fawkes”.
Pete’s untimely death occurred at the Arnott’s Super Factory and HQ in Queensland. He was discovered at 7.15am today by Hanoi – a longstanding maori factory worker – whilst he completed his morning rounds.
It is alleged that natural causes are not being considered as the cause of death – this is due to a half-nibbled, poisoned Sakata cracker which was found at the base of the cage.
“I’m probably going to get in trouble for saying this, but fuck it – this is textbook corporate sabotage” said Lead Detective, Scott Wells.
“I’m half-tempted to roll up on those bastards at PepsiCo right now and show them the rough edge of my baton”.
“Australia can rest assured knowing that the whole of the Queensland police force will be working around the clock to bring Pete’s killer to justice,” he added passionately.
The Shallot was given exclusive access to the funeral, under the proviso that we do our best to capture the morbid beauty of it:
‘Not a Tim-Tam nor Iced Vo-VoVo stirred as the Arnott’s workers stood in stoic unison, hair nets and time-sheets in hand as Pete was wrapped in his favourite shit-rag, carried through the factory and out into sunlight of the famous Vita-Wheat gardens.
Many a tear was shed as the Factory Manager, Bill Shilling, began his eulogy “Pete was not only a valued employee, but a friend. Sure, he may have ruffled a few feathers in his time – pecking female employees on the ass, introducing the flex-hours initiative and of course, pitching in his ground breaking ideas, like the bird seed flavoured Monte Carlo”.
“But that was just who he was: a rebel with a cause” he added.
Emotions crescendoed as Pete was lowered into the green waste bin, by a group of line managers on double-time rates.
“He will never be forgotten, nor replaced” Bill continued.
“But if we did have to replace him, I’d go with a budgie – much less union inclined” he finished, amongst fits of loud sobbing.
As a form of 21 Gun Salute, the Arnott’s factory workers dunked an Arrowroot into their cup of Bushells tea in unison – allowing the biscuit to grow soggy and collapse into the cup – a potent metaphor for the day’s tragic events’.
The nation, although reeling, has rallied to show their support. The organisers for Mardis Gras 2017 have reached out to let us know that they intend to honour Pete with a brilliant effigy, “befitting of the splendor of his plumage”.
However some have begun to point fingers, with Mike Baird stating, “had lock-out laws been tighter, this national devastation may not have occurred in the first place”.
Parent company, Campbell’s Soup Co, released a brief, but poignant statement:
“Death comes for us all…but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles”.
We here at the Shallot salute you, Pete, and lest we forget your contribution to this great nation.