Author: Herbert ‘Herb’ Greengate – Editor-at-Large.
Last week at a prominent CBD watering-hole, Ed Shorby (26) clocked in for his regular 5.00pm -3.00am shift of slinging beers, listening to your bullshit, judging you on your house-pours and some solid banter with the glassies – little did he know he was about to face one of the most intelligent, dastardly and downright brilliant remarks to have ever been uttered.
“I’m fucking shattered” said the shadow of Shorby’s former self.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m used to a little bit of tomfoolery from the locals, but this guy… man, what a prick” he lamented, head in his hands.
It is alleged that local Queen’s Counsel (AKA ‘Silk’), Derek Jab, had decided to wet his beak with an imported bottled beverage after a long day of ‘snapping necks and cashing cheques’ near Sydney’s prestigious Crown Street. In a sordid mood due to a bad case of wig itch, this ‘barista’ decided to take out his frustration on the then unknowing and forever innocent, Ed.
“I’ll have a bottle of Heineken, champ” the Silk spat, his words free of any fucks.
“Would you like a glass?” Shorby politely indulged, through firmly gritted teeth.
“It’s already in one, mate” the Silk chuckled to himself, his tone as loathsome as his ‘profession’.
It was at this point, the sheer originality of the retort and the gusto of its delivery, shattered Ed’s self-confidence, happiness and understanding of the world in one fell swoop.
“I’d never thought about it” Shorby gasped, as his eyes glazed over, the painful memory of that fateful evening flooding back to him.
“And the worst part is that he was right – goddammit, he was right!” he wailed.
Ed’s emotions crescendoed “It is already in a glass, why did I even get into this line of work if I don’t even know the basics? I’m nothing”.
The Shallot has consulted with its resident bartending expert, Patches Godfrey, for his take on the matter and to perhaps shed some light on where Ed might go from here.
“I remember I got that one when I was in my first year on the scene, my sides literally split” he recalled, his face lit only by the glow of his pipe “The only thing the boy can do is forget everything he thought he knew and rebuild his life from the ground up”
Godspeed Ed, Godspeed.