Author: Herbert ‘Herb’ Greengate – Editor-at-Large.
Area man, Jim Hastings has once again appeased his inner macho-man and restored his bravado by removing the straw from his drink and discarding it upon the beer soaked bar mat at his local watering-hole.
“It was touch and go for a second there!” Jim exclaimed.
“I could feel my mates staring at me like ‘are you gonna pull that straw out mate?’ – even the bartender was holding her breath,”
“Luckily I just pulled the fucker out and was like ‘let’s go cut some shapes boys’.
We quizzed Jim some more about why he feels like a ‘sheila’ if there’s a straw in his drink:
“I don’t feel like a bloke if there’s a straw in my JD” Jimbo stated “Puckered lips and sunken cheeks when I’m out with the boys? I may as well just order a cosmo,”
A recent study by the Australian Bureau of Bar Behavior (ABBB) has shown that 95% of all men are convinced that the guy who just poured your beverage of choice has indeed placed a miniature bendy plastic dick in your drink, just for a laugh.
The Shallot has turned to our resident shit-talking, drink-slinging guru, Patches Godfrey, for some insights from the field and why the male psyche is programed to hate these mini hollow dicks, except for in milkshakes.
“Some say it all started in medieval times” Patches coolly spoke, through a dense haze of hash smoke “From when straws were crafted from animal Johnsons,”
“So, naturally none of the village men wanted to be seen drinking mead through a Goat shaft” Patches finalised, taking a sip of his straw-less Old Fashioned.
While there is a distinct correlation between when and where a straw is and isn’t acceptable, we still aren’t quite sure why having a straw in a Macca’s Coke is ok, yet not ok in a JD and Coke at a bar.
“Keep this between us but I would actually like to use a straw” Jimbo furthered with a look of sincerity in his bloodshot peepers “When I don’t use one, my chompers get all chilly – I even have to use Sensodyne for my sensitive teeth – but the boys would give me too much stick if I used a drinky sucker.”
While it remains a mystery as to why this is still an issue in modern society, it has been revealed that this concern is becoming less frequent in many of the affluent suburbs around the country but is still rampant in the lower educated, lower income, lower brow areas.
We here at The Shallot are completely comfortable with putting these hollow tiny plastic penises in our drinks, however for some, it’s the final straw.
More to follow.